Today I was overwhelmed. I often think that being victorious means that I don’t fail, stumble, or make mistakes. Success equals victory. Or does it?
The name Nicole means to be victorious and that has encouraged me in all the things I’ve overcome in my life. But I’m quick to forget why I’m victorious. It’s nights like tonight when I come home and realize I cannot do it on my own. I can only truly be victorious when I fully rely on Him. So instead of stressing out, I’m falling on my knees.
Through this whole process of starting a special needs program, I’ve done all those things…fail…make mistakes…been called into the principal’s office. I’ve had tears, stress, and migraines. But why? Isn’t it through failure, weakness, and neediness that we learn to rely on Him?
Sure, I’ve asked God to bless the work and be apart of the process. But I’ve learned that I’ve asked Him to do these things for something I decided to do. I’ve learned that I need to come to Him with an open heart. His plan is different than mine. Now I’m praying that God would change my heart so that HIS desires are within me.
So now, I’ve been given the chance to start a resource room in the elementary. “Great,” you say. “Isn’t that what we’ve been praying for?” But now as I look into a stale, empty room with a broken bookshelf and two tables, fear overcomes me. How will I find the time to plan for this? How will I create lessons (in which we have no curriculum for) for another teacher to teach my 1st graders science and social studies while creating lessons for each individual in the resource room to meet each of those students needs…all during my one plan period a week. How?
I know that I cannot achieve such a goal by myself. Thus begins my journey of totally reliance on Him. One step at a time, leaning on Him every step of the way. It’s not a road of success but one of multiple failures. But I hope that through those failures and lessons learned that a program will start to build and children’s lives will change as we start filling those educational gaps and start to see growth.
Psalm 34 2. I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are helpless take heart. 3. Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness; let us exalt His name together. 4. I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears.
For New Years Eve, Reesa and I decided to see what was going on at the Graben. Someone told us people come from all over Europe to see this. We though we just had to make it out to see what all the fuss was about...us and about a million other people.
At first it was real neat. I felt like I was in Town Square. We walked with the mad mass of people towards the center of the city. Every few blocks there was a different live band. It was great because everyone else knew the words and we had never even heard the songs before.
However, the more we walked the more we were leary of what we had gotten ourselves into. The fire works were less than applealing. Since there was no organized show, everyone just shot up their own fire works in the mist of the crowd. It sounded like we were in a war zone. Then you'd walk a few feet and you would see someone light something and you'd duck for cover and plug your ears. People were using the liquor bottles they had just emptied to shoot off bottle rockets. One of those times, something had gone wrong as we saw green glass falling from the sky. This was when we decided this wasn't our cup of tea and started back home...against the crowd. We'd walk a few feet and see some drunk kid with a lighter, scream and grab each other and walk quickly the other way.
Finally, we made it back to our U-Bahn stop and felt we were safe. However the smoke coming out of the U-Bahn station made us wonder if they were shooting them off in there. We walked down the stairs to a guy pointing a firework directly at a group of people pretending to hold them hostage. We walked as close to wall on the other side but really wanted to get out of there.
FINALLY, we were on our U-Bahn...with all the old people who knew better than to get out with that crowd. We were actually on the U-Bahn at midnight and missed the big hoopla. We got off at our stop, so glad to have made it home but again the smoke had us worried. As we walked up the stairs we saw men laying fire crackers over the entire ground lighting them all at the same time. It looked like our exit was in fire. We had to go out a different exit and walk around. Here's what we saw:
We quickly crossed the street where there were more people lighting things and ran to our door. Finally we were safe at home! Next year, I think we'll just stay in. :-)