Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Overwhelmed...

Today I was overwhelmed. I often think that being victorious means that I don’t fail, stumble, or make mistakes. Success equals victory. Or does it?

The name Nicole means to be victorious and that has encouraged me in all the things I’ve overcome in my life. But I’m quick to forget why I’m victorious. It’s nights like tonight when I come home and realize I cannot do it on my own. I can only truly be victorious when I fully rely on Him. So instead of stressing out, I’m falling on my knees.

Through this whole process of starting a special needs program, I’ve done all those things…fail…make mistakes…been called into the principal’s office. I’ve had tears, stress, and migraines. But why? Isn’t it through failure, weakness, and neediness that we learn to rely on Him?

Sure, I’ve asked God to bless the work and be apart of the process. But I’ve learned that I’ve asked Him to do these things for something I decided to do. I’ve learned that I need to come to Him with an open heart. His plan is different than mine. Now I’m praying that God would change my heart so that HIS desires are within me.

So now, I’ve been given the chance to start a resource room in the elementary. “Great,” you say. “Isn’t that what we’ve been praying for?” But now as I look into a stale, empty room with a broken bookshelf and two tables, fear overcomes me. How will I find the time to plan for this? How will I create lessons (in which we have no curriculum for) for another teacher to teach my 1st graders science and social studies while creating lessons for each individual in the resource room to meet each of those students needs…all during my one plan period a week. How?

I know that I cannot achieve such a goal by myself. Thus begins my journey of totally reliance on Him. One step at a time, leaning on Him every step of the way. It’s not a road of success but one of multiple failures. But I hope that through those failures and lessons learned that a program will start to build and children’s lives will change as we start filling those educational gaps and start to see growth.

Psalm 34
2. I will boast only in the Lord;
let all who are helpless take heart.
3. Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness;
let us exalt His name together.
4. I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me.
He freed me from all my fears.

1 comment:

contemplativenomad said...

You rock Nicki! I am so glad you are here...seriously!